Take A Deep Breath
Conclusion: Smaller than the mountains, bigger than the stars
You’ll be happy to know, the third and final ceremonies made all the anguish worth it. I’ve been getting messages from many friends and acquaintances asking about my experience in Peru and it is impossible to answer honestly without sounding cliche’. That trip was life changing! Oh this book is life changing! You have to listen to this podcast, it’s life changing! Yeah, yeah, we say those things a lot in response to things that have a large impact on us - fair enough. But this ayahuasca experience wasn’t that. It didn’t change my life, it changed me. It hollowed me out, like a log left with only the exterior bark shell that looks the same. You cannot see what happened inside and for the most part, my exterior looks unchanged. (Although I will say I’ve gotten quite a few comments that I somehow look different too.)
I went through intense visualizations and emotional realizations during the first two ceremonies that allowed me to see things within myself I never realized were unfinished business or traumas. Self-loathing, self-deprecation, self-doubt, shame, guilt, fear, sadness, loneliness and anxiety lived inside of me and while I was somewhat aware of a few of these things, I had no idea to what extent. By the end of the second ceremony, I went through a deep forgiveness, of both myself and others, but I was still filled with anxiety and fear during the ceremonies. So much so that I honestly didn’t think I was going to participate in the final two. I had experienced massive healing and I kept telling myself, I’m good - I’m grateful for what I was able to experience but I’m over it. But after a day of rest (you have a down day between the second and third ceremonies) I had talked myself back up and actually felt some excitement about exploring things outside of my conscience, and outside of deep emotional issues. The energy in the maloca that night felt even lighter than night two and as we all settled onto our respective mats, I noticed that each person had a vivid color on. I wore a green sweatshirt, the woman next to me some mauve colored pants, a bright blue pullover a few doors down and all those across the room had a bright colored piece of clothing on as well. As the stars came out under the blanket of night sky, with crickets noisily chirping in surround sound, our yoga instructor led us through a practice involving allowing space for new growth. We had focused on letting go during the second night, which felt like a common theme throughout our entire group and now tonight, we all looked like little seedlings, each vibrant in color, placed under the glass top maloca as if in a terrarium waiting to put forth our first new buds. The room felt calm and I shared in this but could still feel a sense of dread and minor anxiety at the idea of another six hours of laying on my mat in the pitch black, in a smokey room with the sounds of vomiting and emotional releases all around me. I took a dose equal to my first night and as I laid there waiting for the effects to kick in, I felt my anxiety again starting to rise. But this time, when the singing began, instead of closing my eyes to darkness and a feminine voice inviting me into places I’d rather not go, I was instead wrapped into the wings of a butterfly. Like a warm shawl being wrapped around my shoulders as I shivered in the cool, night air, the beautiful wings of an orange, black and white butterfly gently wrapped around my back saying, “I’ll keep you warm and safe. You have nothing to fear.” As the singing began, the shadows cast upon the wooden portion of the ceiling looked too like the wings of a butterfly. And from there, all of my anxiety was whisked away. In one instant I was filled with fear and the next, I was overflowing with peace and calm. A calm that is still living inside of me, several weeks later. A calm I believe will be in me for the rest of my life. I didn’t just feel a temporary sense of relaxing, but actually watched anxiety and fear leave my body and float out the circular top of the maloca. (Which is not open to the air by the way, but during this night, it was an open portal for things coming and going out of me.) I began to see my body as a literal sacred vessel, releasing all the things that keep me from living the life I am capable of living. The best I can describe it is to say that anxiety has been coated inside of me since around age 5 (maybe earlier but I don’t have memories dating back further than that.) Like a glaze on the inside of a pot, anxiety was painted into me as a result of the fighting and chaos in my childhood home. In the interest of time, I won’t share those details here but I cover my childhood in intricate detail in my upcoming book. This anxiety was not something I recognized existed in me before going through this ayahuasca retreat. Sure, I knew I suffered from occasional bouts of anxiousness, but I did not realize I was living in a low-level state of anxiety at all times. Not anymore - I literally watched it peel away from the interior of my body and exit into the night sky. Along with it went fear, anger, sorrow and remorse. And as soon as those blocks of energy left my body, I experienced about eight straight hours of what I can only describe as creative genius. I watched the starry sky descend down through the glass roof of the maloca, suspending right above my head, allowing me to see into the endless depths of the galaxy. Reassuring me there is but a thin veil between us and the spiritual world. A world we are not yet prepared to see, so our conscious mind keeps it at a distance. But it is there and I looked directly into it. The sky eventually closed back up, as if to say, “you now know it’s here, it’s so close. Take comfort.” From there I was filled with joy for life like I’ve never felt before and unimaginable gratitude for Corina, the wonderful Shipibo maestra who helped me heal in ways I never thought necessary. When she came to sit in front of me to sing my icaro that night, both of our eyes were smiling. Hers in recognition of the transformation I experienced and mine with sincere thanks for what she had done for me. Instead of dreading my turn, this time I was tapping my foot, slapping my hand quietly on my knee and singing along in praise for the me blooming under the night sky dome. I returned to my room that night with energy and enthusiasm for all the profound, creative ideas that came into my mind. I stayed awake until 5:30am writing in my journal and capturing all the new ideas for creative projects I was shown. From an exciting new idea for a children’s book, to new ways to love, I experienced an opening of a new dimension of my mind that has forever changed me.
The final night I made the last minute decision not to drink ayahuasca but to go through the ceremony with an entirely clear mind. I made this decision for many reasons, one of which was to see if my lack of anxiety was temporary or if I was in fact free and another reason was I had experienced so many powerful things the night before, I wanted to let all take root instead of adding more. Come to find out, taking root was the topic for the pre-ceremony yoga that final night. Yet more proof nothing that is happening around us is by accident. It all makes sense if we are tuned in and paying attention. The last ceremony is dedicated to putting a “protective seal” around you, in order to protect all the work and healing that has been done over the past week. It is described as closing you up, after the medicine has opened you up and healed you. I wanted to be fully alert for this and I am thankful I was. Also, because I am someone who is very open and avoids stuffing things down and closing myself off, I was able to experience powerful realizations without drinking ayahuasca at all that night. In fact, I continued to have visions and revelations in my room at night for several nights after the end of the retreat. My hotel room at a nearby resort turned into a maloca when I closed my eyes for about three more nights.
It is easy to read about experiences like mine and think to yourself, “of course you had mystical experiences, you were high.” That’s fine with me if that is as wide as your mind can expand. But I would encourage everyone to ask themselves why you believe the things you believe. Have you been shown? Do you only believe in what you can see? If so, how is it you believe in love? Have you seen love? Why is it you believe in God? Have you seen God? How about Western medicine - why do you trust chemotherapy for healing? It is a drug formulated in very recent history, the 1940’s to be exact, that makes you vomit, lose all your hair, and hopefully kills your cancer before it kills you. You believe in it because it works - ok. Lobotomies were also pioneered during this same time frame but thankfully didn’t stick. Ayahuasca and other plant medicines have been used by indigenous people around the world for thousands of years. Sure they may make you vomit, kind of like chemotherapy but they also don’t kill you nor do they give you other ailments to cure. I believe in plant medicine not because I’ve seen it work, but because I’ve experienced it first hand. I arrived in the Sacred Valley as one person, and I emerged someone else. I saw myself swimming inside my mother’s womb, and reconnected with my femininity. I saw my daughter Kathryn, whole, healed, happy and full of joy at an age not the age when her physical body perished.
Corinthians 15: 35-41 says, “But someone will ask, “How are the dead raised?” With what kind of body do they come? You foolish person! What you sow does not come to life unless it dies. And what you sow is not the body that is to be, but a bare kernel, perhaps of wheat or of some other grain. But God gives it a body as he has chosen, and to each kind of seed its own body. For not all flesh is the same, but there is one kind for humans, another for animals, another for birds, another for fish. There are heavenly bodies and earthly bodies, but the glory of the heavenly is one kind, and the glory of the earthly is another. There is one glory of the sun, and another glory of the moon, and another glory of tea stars; for star differs from stars in glory.”
I healed decades of wounds living deep within me and removed all that doesn’t belong in my body, my sacred vessel - the vessel I believe God made. And after removing what doesn’t belong, God now can flow freely through me. Bringing into the world all that was meant to come through me. I am free from all cravings and cannot image putting anything into this sacred vessel that doesn’t belong. That includes alcohol, which has plagued me for decades, certain unnecessary foods, gossip, hateful messages, jealousy, anger, and resentment. I am no longer tired - ever. Prior to this experience I needed a nap everyday and if I’m totally honest, I felt exhausted almost always. After shedding my anxiety, which I describe as a generator running in the background my entire life, draining my battery, I have appropriate energy all day and go to bed and sleep eight hours without interruption. My physical pain in my hip, groan and back are gone and overall, my life feels effortless. I don’t have to think about being happy or try to get along in the world, I just do it. Effortlessly.
In the initial days after the retreat, I wrote individual words instead of whole sentences as to not place meaning or stories around my experiences. I wrote what I called “X10” - a bastardized poem of sorts, outlining all the things I felt X10 since the retreat. It sums up what I’m feeling better than all these lengthy essays probably do.
X10 Happiness, joy, smiles, light, water, birds, love, appreciation, friendship, scents, belief, gratitude, letting go, freedom, air, breathing, breeze, shivers, yawning, self-acceptance, forgiveness, patience. Sensitivity, colors, words, atmosphere, abundance, spirits, quiet, crickets, moonlight, money, ease, stepping away. Less effort, less attachment, more connection, more observant, less significant, more significant, smaller, bigger, sight, hearing, thoughts.
I took a breath during the third ceremony that was deeper than any breath I’ve ever breathed before and I was correct, I was a seedling lying in the cracks waiting to bloom. I breathed life into a place that was never before alive in me and I’ve been breathing this breath ever since. For this experience I am eternally grateful. I will undoubtedly be returning to Peru one of these days, as it holds a dear and magical place in my heart. Standing before its mountains, I learned how small I really am. But lying under the stars in the maloca, I learned just how big I really am.