Let the Journey Begin

Part One: Why you want connection, not attachment

At the instant life begins, attachment is what we need. Think about it, we are physically tethered to our mothers by an umbilical cord in order for us to develop and without this attachment, we wouldn’t exist. About 280 days later, that physical attachment is severed but attachment is still the central aspect of our existence. We are still entirely dependent upon a parent or primary care giver for several years, to be nourished, comforted, assisted in sleep, socialized, kept safe and prepared for the long life ahead of us. We have a deep need for both physical and emotional attachment. But as we mature, our need for attachment is slowly replaced by a need for connection. As our existence becomes less and less reliant upon attachment to another person, we optimally break away from attachments in favor of connection. Anyone who has raised children knows well how this system works. If we’re doing things right, our children gain independence from their attachments to us (financially, intellectually, spiritually and emotionally) and begin to develop a new, adult connection to us. In a healthy, adjusted life, we need connection, not attachment.

As I prepared for my journey to the Sacred Valley of Peru for a seven day Ayahuasca retreat, I was led to examine my attachments to various things in my life through a process called the dieta (pronounced dee-ate-a) which involves abstaining from certain foods, sex, stimulants, alcohol, drugs, supplements and a variety of other activities. Although, when I began the process of the dieta, I was just following the instructions. I had no idea I was learning important lessons about my attachments. (This has become the theme throughout my entire journey with Ayahuasca- learning things while I had no conscious idea I was learning things.) But I’m getting a bit ahead of myself. Let me start by giving you some background on why I sought out Ayahuasca in the first place and some logistics on what exactly my retreat at Soltara Healing Center involved.

I’ve kept it no secret that I’ve been on a personal healing journey for several years now. It all started back in September, 2021 when I finally admitted I had an addiction to alcohol that I could not conquer on my own. I tossed my ego out the window and surrendered myself to the beautiful people and the process at The Hope House in Scottsdale, Arizona. Twenty-one days later, I emerged like a butterfly who had just escaped her cocoon. Mature, vibrant, free to fly - leaving behind the stages of my life - an egg, with all my childhood wounds, a caterpillar, consuming everything in sight in a desperate attempt at finding something to fulfill me, and a pupa, where cellular transformations were beginning to happen in me. I was undoubtedly transformed into someone I no longer recognized, but more importantly, I learned that life is not lived on a linear trajectory. We cannot, nor should we, believe society’s misguided notion that life can be perfectly plotted on an upward slanting graph and any deviation means we are failures as humans. There are in fact no straight lines in nature. Straight lines are created by humans and believing life is a straight line is just an example of how disconnected we are from our true nature. My understanding of what life means evolved into an undertaking that will last throughout my lifetime. So after several years of self discovery and really enjoying the person I’m getting to know as me, I felt called to Peru to experience plant medicine in it’s purest form. Notice I said medicine, because that is what Ayahuasca is. Contrary to uninformed, popular understanding, Ayahuasca is not simply a psychedelic one takes on a Friday night to “get high.” While there are certainly plenty of places in the U.S. to find Ayahuasca to use recreationally, its’ purpose is to heal and in my humble opinion, Westerners have disrespected the plant by reducing it to something to be used as a momentary escape from reality. I cannot give you much more detail on why I chose to do this, other than I got to the point where it didn’t feel like a choice. Something inside of me said this is what I needed to do, so I did it. (As we get further into what I experienced, you will see why it is so critically important for us to listen to our conscience when it is directing us to heal.) Per usual, I did extensive research to find the best possible facility and safest setting for me and I landed on Soltara. They host retreats in Costa Rica but I have been to Costa Rica multiple times, so when they announced a new location in the Sacred Valley of Peru I was first in line to reserve a spot. My husband decided to join me on the adventure, which was a wise decision, considering it is impossible for a marriage to survive if only one person is dedicated to endless learning about themselves. Something to keep in mind for those of you reading this, who are also looking to further grow your marriage or relationships. You do not exist in a vacuum - everything you choose to do, or not to do, affects everyone around you. I chose a seven day retreat which included four ayahuasca ceremonies and also extended my stay in The Sacred Valley for an additional several days to provide myself a soft landing. They require an intake interview to make sure you are emotionally and physically well enough to go through the experience, which speaks to the level of dedication to healing provided in this journey.

Over the next few articles I publish, I will share more and more of the self-altering I experienced through ayahuasca but I’m going to take it slow. For one, I don’t want to lose the power of my experience by talking it to death. Some of the most important events in life are not describable in words and this happens to be one of them for me. I will share everything but I want to have the right words and they are still coming to me day by day. Also, if I shared the spiritual experiences I encountered with you right out of the gate, you might just think I am crazy. So instead, I will ease into the discussion and cover my physical, emotional and spiritual healing over the next several weeks. There’s no hurry - “You don’t have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate, give her a kiss boy!” John Cleese, Monty Python’s Meaning of Life for those whose brains don’t recall movie scripts the way mine does. I also want to be sure I lead you down a path of self discovery and introspection. After all, the only reason we share our journeys in life with others is so we can all learn from and lean on one another.

Now back to the dieta…

The requirements of abstaining from alcohol, drugs, pork, alternative healers and other medications began at 4 weeks prior, with other limitations on things like caffeine, sugar, spicy foods, dairy, sex, adrenaline-inducing activities and highly processed foods implemented each week up until the retreat. However, I opted to limit most all of these things a month prior, as a way of proving to myself my level of dedication and discipline. I’m very glad I did.

What I didn’t realize in the month leading up to the retreat, is that I was painting a clear picture for myself, of what I am mindlessly attached to versus what I have a deep and meaningful connection to. At the time, I just viewed the dieta as a sacrifice, not a lesson of introspection. It wasn’t until the day after the retreat, when I enjoyed my first cup of coffee in 35 days, that I realized I had a variety of attachments I didn’t previously recognize. Don’t get me wrong, that coffee tasted wonderful, but it didn’t taste as necessary as it used to. I was able to see a clear difference between being attached to coffee versus using it as a meaningful way to connect myself to the start of my day. Coffee for the sake of the caffeine is an attachment, coffee for the ritual and experience is a connection. Turns out there are many other foods within my diet, such as cheese, spicy foods and sugar that I now recognize as attachments rather than connections to my satiety and health. I no longer have a craving for anything - not sugar, not spice, not gooey foods like pizza or meals heavy in animal fats. Without any effort on my part, I long for connection not attachment. Anything that doesn’t hold a deeper purpose has been washed away from my mind. That includes alcohol - which borders on a miracle, so I will reserve my discussion of the impact of ayahuasca on addiction for an article all its own.

Sex and masturbation can also easily become attachments, devoid of connection. I recognize this within myself as well and came away from this retreat feeling only the need for meaningful connection in my sexual experiences. This in particular is not anything I would have imaged my ayahuasca experience would have brought up, because I honestly never recognized it as an attachment before now.

There are also healthy and beneficial habits I possess that I can now see were attachments rather than things I did for real connection. I still meditate, pray and write each morning but I have loosened my grip on them. Rather than doing these things the minute I get out of bed, I do them with ease and at a time that feels right. Same goes for my breakfast, writing schedule and work practices. All good habits I have instilled, but I’ve loosened my grip/attachment to them and am allowing them to connect me to the present day, rather than approaching them with militance.

But the biggest awakening I have had in terms of unhealthy attachments is that of my relationship to my husband. Wanting to control, correct, redirect and essentially making him fit into my expectations is a clear sign of unhealthy attachment I have had for decades. This is something that has become more and more visible to me over the past several years, but my experience with ayahuasca has lifted that attachment in such a way that I no longer feel the weight of him on me. I am focusing on true connection, not control. A healthy union of two separate individuals, not a stifling attachment at every touch point.

Soltara Healing Center, Sacred Valley, Peru

Recognizing attachments and the negative impact they have on our emotional and physical well-being is transformative. It is also a clear move in the direction of emotional maturity. We are no longer children who need attachment. In fact, attachment is what keeps us tied like prisoners to that which does not serve us. It is connection we need and to find it, we must let go of attachments first.

I would encourage you to go through your own dieta of sorts. You don’t need to go away to some distant retreat, or engage in plant medicine to benefit from clearing yourself of the things that can easily lead to unhealthy attachments. Implement a change in diet, refrain from incessant technology use and consumption of news and other information, take a brief hiatus from sexual pleasure and other indulgences that create strong energy and emotional responses. Strip some things away from yourself in order to identify those things to which you are mindlessly attached versus the things that bring you real connection.

To be continued….