Daily Truth June 26, 2022

A solid structure consists of two strong, independent columns.

This week was a monumental week. Roe v. Wade was overturned after 49 years as the legal precedent many women defined as progress in women’s rights. The international swimming governing body finally addressed the issue of biological men priding themselves on taking the podium from women and I celebrated my 26th wedding anniversary. As I grabbed my coffee and perused my journal this morning, looking for a spark to ignite my creative fire, I decided my marriage would be the most interesting out of the above mentioned topics.

Truth be told, my husband and I nearly forgot it was our anniversary. The day before, we were having coffee on our front porch and as I looked at the date in my daily meditational reading, I blurted out, “Oh shit! Tomorrow is our anniversary!” We both got a good laugh and thanked our daily reader for having dates in it. Neither of us sure the occasion would’ve come to our overloaded, aging minds without prompting. This would be an accurate metaphor of our twenty sixth year of marriage - not at the forefront of our minds. Not because we are neglecting our marriage, but because we are working deeply on ourselves. For now, our collective body is taking second seat to the individual.

Treasonous! How could two people that make up a marriage put themselves before the whole? Because that is exactly how a solid structure is made, that’s why. Think about any unit, of any matter in existence. We readily accept that the pieces are what make the structure sound. Two strong, solid pillars are what hold the bridge together. Two strong, solid individuals are what hold a marriage together. One weak link and the entire structure is weakened. One side can bear the weight of the other only so long. Supporting one another in a marriage is no different. Each person can help hold the other up, but that isn’t a successful long-term strategy. Before long, your arms get tired and you have no choice but to let go. Both persons have to do their part to be the best version of themselves.

In the past year, we have collectively faced significant changes. We moved, my husband nearly lost his career in medicine, he learned the hard way how disloyal people can be and I went away to address my battle with alcohol. Any one of these events will turn a person upside down yet we faced them all in a single year. Going through it wasn’t pretty but if we had to do it all over again, we wouldn’t change a thing. The hardships led us to finding new and improved versions of ourselves.

When I admitted my drinking had gotten to a point where I couldn’t stop without help, all of us thought me getting sober would solve all the problems. I would go away, stop the drinking and life would be grandiose for all! Wrong. My drinking was a result of bigger issues, not the initial cause. As I dug through my childhood and life over the past forty years, I started to figure out who I am. I started to see a person I never knew before - a person I really liked. This new sober person (which sober goes far beyond someone who doesn’t drink but that’s a story for another day) wasn’t the person my husband married all those years ago. I no longer needed a hero or someone to play the role of “stable” to my spontaneous and crazy. While my creative nature found its proper place in a new, self actualized body, there was no need for someone to save me. I ditched the scapegoat label that had been placed on me before I had finished elementary school, and started writing my own damn story. But, the more I got to know me, the less my husband knew himself. If he wasn’t going to be able to play the hero, that meant one thing - he was going to have to figure out who he was. Damn it. I was supposed to be the problem, not him.

Here’s the thing - we both had work to do. We had spent so many years living in the roles created for us before we even had a say in our own lives that we didn’t know what to do when the plot changed. It was as if a new writer came on set and rewrote our characters. Neither of us knew how to play these new roles. But the new writer of my character was me. The person who should have been writing my story all along. It was time for my husband to start writing his story too.

We have learned what it means to be codependent. It isn’t the stereotypical clingy chic who calls her boyfriend every fives minutes. It isn’t the jealous guy who shows up at this girl friend’s job just to make sure she is where she says she is. It’s a successful doctor and a powerhouse entrepreneur who appear to have the tiger by the tale. It’s two people who found one another all those years ago because that’s what they needed at the time. It’s saving, controlling and living as a unit above living authentically as individuals. Codependence isn’t healthy love and it doesn’t make a healthy marriage. We know that now and we are doing the work to create a new, authentic love.

Neither of us are responsible for the other in regards to discovering who we are. I write my story, not his. He figures out who he is, without his attachment to me. It is a great deal of work to find out who you are but it is also an exciting adventure. As each of us uncovers a part of ourselves we never knew before, we get to share that with one another. It feels nice.

We are rebuilding our own lives in order to build a better structure. We are chipping away the dilapidated wood and sanding off the old labels. Getting rid of the splinters, rough edges and weather worn fasteners. We hand one another tools. We lend support when one of us feels weak but we don’t assume the responsibility of the entire structure on our own. One of us can’t rebuild and the other not. That will never work. A lopsided structure will crumble and a marriage with only one person wanting to find themselves will never last. We both have to be willing to do the work for ourselves and then the authentic individuals figure out if they are still compatible. It is a decision made from authentic love, not fear.

So while it may have taken a book to remind us of our anniversary this year, the prospects of us sharing another twenty six years together have never been better.