Daily Truth July 10, 2022

I'm afraid we have this whole women's empowerment thing terribly wrong.

A few weeks back, I received an invitation to speak to a large group of girls at a summer gymnastics camp. While I am always flattered to be asked and grateful for opportunities to share my expertise, there was no way I was going to accept this invitation. My sole focus right now is on finishing my book, not talking to gymnasts about nutrition. Not only am I not involved with health and fitness any longer but this is a topic quite limited in its effectiveness with kids. Unless parents are going to be in the room, or these kids do the grocery shopping, the impact nutrition talks have on kids is quite slim. I’ve put my podcast on hold, carved out specific time for company dealings and new ventures and shut myself in my office (or my front porch) in order to get my book out into the world where it belongs. The deadline I’ve given myself on this book is starting to resemble the goal post Dr. Fauci set for all of the gullible - from two weeks to flatten the curve to, this thing may never end. Given all that is on my plate right now, I was going to have to respectfully decline the offer.

As I was formulating my email reply, I paused on something outlined in the invitation. They were asking me to talk about body image, not merely nutrition. Hmmm - body image is an awfully important topic for women, and gymnasts arguably more so. No matter how much I reasoned with myself that I did not have the time, I couldn’t help but feel some guilt about saying no. What is this about? I have no problem whatsoever telling people no. I never do things I don’t want to do just to please others and in this scenario, I honestly did not have an entire day to be away from my work. But for some reason, I couldn’t ignore my gut. As little sense as it made, I decided I was going to spend the day with these girls. I am so thankful I did.

I needed to be prepared to talk to approximately 130 girls ranging in age from 7-8 years, all the way to 16-17 years. The girls would rotate in for 45 minutes at a time, for a total of nine groups. No sweat - that’s only 7 hours of talking to girls spanning a 10 year age gap. Piece of cake. In saying yes, I guess I forgot the fact I don’t even like kids (except my own - sometimes), body image is a sensitive subject and I don’t have drinking as an outlet anymore. What was I thinking? After several hours of brainstorming, I decided to tackle the subject from the perspective of accepting yourself for who you are. More specifically, teaching them about the four temperaments and how body shape and overall body composition are overwhelmingly predetermined by our nature. I would give my best effort to help these girls understand themselves a little better and accept themselves for who they are. Maybe if I delivered the message just right, my words would plant themselves like a seed in a few who had grown weary of cutting, starvation, bulimia, chronic dieting, or self castigation. At the very least, it would be fun for them and exhausting for me. I can confidently say, it was all of this and more.

As an “ice-breaker” of sorts, I passed out Colors Not Calories notepads and asked the girls to do something they’ve probably never been asked to do before. I asked them to write down as many things as they could think of that they absolutely love about themselves. Blank stares. Crickets. It was as if I were Elliott trying to communicate with E.T. But, instead of Reese’s Pieces, I laid out some things I love about myself in an attempt to get them to started. “I love my blue eyes, my long legs, my big muscles, and my new short hair cut.” “I love that I’m funny, a hard worker and a natural leader.” “I love my honesty, my desire to learn and my nicely tucked, innie belly-button.” The more I shared, the more light bulbs started to go off and hands went to writing. Some girls came up with a short, grocery store-type list but the vast majority could barely find one or two things to write. A few left the page completely blank.

As I led the first group through this exercise, it took all my might to swallow back the tears. Here were girls as young as 7 years old who couldn’t muster a single nice thing to say about themselves. What is happening? This trend continued throughout each and every group. From the youngest who could barely write legibly, to the last group of the day with girls contemplating their senior year of high school, the vast majority couldn’t think of anything they liked about themselves. My asking them to do this was clearly something nobody has ever asked them to do before. I honestly could not believe my eyes. These young ladies needed this exercise more than I could have ever imagined.

But the beautiful thing was, the more I prodded, the more hands went up. First it would be one brave soul willing to shine a light on herself, then another, then another. They said things like, “I love that I’m good at math. I love that I’m a good gymnast. I love that I’m a good friend.” The youngest among them came up with things like, “I love my eye brows. I love my blonde hair. I love my curly hair and I love my eyes.” A few giggled and piggy backed on my belly button admiration. The more they spoke up, the more their faces lit up. Delighting in words of self love hanging above their heads like fluffy clouds of cotton candy.

In less than five minutes, these future women got a glimpse of what it feels like to love themselves properly. This exercise worked. Even those who chose not to share out loud with the group, warmed up to me during the remaining course of the discussion. One girl who wouldn’t speak at all, whose friends spoke for her, explaining to me that “she doesn’t talk,” responded with a look of surprise when I told her that I liked that she is shy. Who ever said shy isn’t something to love about yourself? Maybe those who are shy are the ones who make excellent listeners and in turn, loyal friends. The talkative girls nodded their heads in agreement to something they had never thought of before and the quiet girls showed a sense of being understood. Another girl who could not yet write and avoided the exercise altogether later came up to me and shared that she is adopted. That she has many siblings, none of which live with her now nor does she see them anymore. She beamed as I shared back with her that my daughter is adopted too. We gave one another a fist bump.

Others chimed in that they get teased about their name, they have ADHD, they don’t like school, they do like school. They don’t like to be the center of attention, they love to be the center of attention. They hate to lead or they love to lead. Some as young as 9 years old shared how they were going on diets with their moms. In a world where so many, including moms in the form of dieting, were telling them how flawed they were, these girls soaked up the self love like Rango trekking through the Mojave Desert.

As we wrapped up each session, I asked the girls once again to pull out the notepad containing the items they love about themselves. I told them about a practice I employ each morning when I look in the mirror - say out loud, using your name, one thing you really love about you. I asked them to promise me they would chose one item from their list and say it each day they go to the mirror to start their day. They promised and I’m confident a good number of them will do it.

The day was long and exhausting but worth every second of it. These girls showed me just how far removed from empowerment women really are.

In our fight to be treated as equals to our male counterparts, we have lost sight of where real empowerment comes from. We tell our young girls they can do whatever their hearts desire and they can become whatever it is they want to become. We show them how to be entrepreneurs, doctors, lawyers, writers, teachers, scientists, astronauts and artists. They hear their mothers and other role models speak about equal pay, the right to choose, no means no and independence from reliance on men. We teach them to demand respect from others yet fail to show them how to love and respect themselves. Instead of showing them how to take care of their bodies, we’ve taught them how to diet. Rather than talking to them about the joys of being a woman, we’ve told them the world is their adversary and will treat them unfairly. We are instilling grievances within them that don’t exist. This is shameful, as the world will inevitably provide a hefty supply of grievances and being a woman isn’t one of them.

In her 1961 seminal essay “On Self Esteem,” first published for Vogue, journalist, author and style icon Joan Didion started by writing…

Once, in a dry season, I wrote in large letters across two pages of a notebook that innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one likes oneself.

I’m afraid young girls have lost their innocence. If innocence ends when she is stripped of delusion that she likes herself, what does it mean if she never had the sense of liking herself? What does it mean if girls as young as 7 years old cannot contemplate writing privately, let alone saying out loud something they love about themselves?

It’s long over due we teach women what it really means to be empowered. It has nothing to do with how others treat them and everything to do with how they treat themselves. Demanding equality and respect from the world is nothing if you do not love and respect yourself. So maybe the next time you body shame yourself, you should wake up and realize what you are teaching others. Each time you stand in the mirror and point out your wrinkles or the fifty-seven thousand other things you don’t like about yourself, you should recognize this is what you are teaching your daughters. Instead of going on yet another diet, you should learn how to properly take care of your body once and for all. Each time you make excuses, choose what’s easy or blame the world for what’s happening to you, acknowledge that you are disempowering the women who are watching. Stop trying to shelter them from the lies others say about them and make them so confident they don’t believe the lies.

Make me the same promise I asked of the young ladies at gymnastics camp. Write down what you love about yourself and repeat it each and every day when you look at yourself in the mirror. If you want respect, earn respect from yourself first. If you want love, love yourself first. If you want to be empowered, empower yourself with esteem.

Empowerment comes from within. Teach those women in your life what it means to be empowered by showing them what empowered looks like.