Daily Truth Apr. 20, 2022
You do the healing. Time does the helping.
I have never been a fan of the saying “time heals all wounds.”
It does not.
It would have been my daughter Kathryn’s 20th birthday on Easter. April 17th was the day she was born, and it was the day she died. Even after so many years, the days surrounding this time have a deeply emotional essence to them. Some years I feel agitated, depressed or a slight bit irritated. Other times I feel slightly broken, as if the wound is still fresh. There have been years when the day comes and goes with only a sense of peace and excitement to meet her again when I join her in God’s forever after. No amount of time can pass to remove the emotions of this day.
Time passes but it does not magically heal us. It can blur the memories but it does not bring us peace. Finding peace and healing is work for us to do, not something to push aside and expect time to take care of. Time won’t do it.
Nor will anybody or anything else. The world may inflict the wounds, but they are ours to heal.
When Kathryn died, I experienced pain unlike I ever imagined possible. I think only those who have buried a child can truly comprehend the immensity of this sorrow. At the time, it felt like I would never heal. Pushing it away wasn’t an option because for me, pushing the pain away was as if I was pushing her away. She was real, the pain was real and I wasn’t going to bury it. I was willing to do whatever it would take to start easing my suffering.
I created a memorial rose garden in her memory. Over 60 different antique roses graced my backyard, where I would sit for hours on end, hoping to find peace. I drew pictures, canned jelly, created a website and joined a group with other grieving parents. I talked about her to anyone willing to listen and did whatever it took to keep her memory alive. I went for runs, where dragonflies would keep me company along my way.
I worked in order to heal.
My husband and I grieved differently, which is to be expected. The pain may be the same but the way in which we heal our pain is entirely individual. I did my best not to expect him to grieve on my terms and he did the same for me. These sort of events often times tear people apart. We didn’t want that to happen, so we chose to allow one another to heal independently so we eventually would come back to one another whole, not broken.
Had we relied on time to do the healing, we wouldn’t have healed.
Time can manifest wounds into things far worse than the original pain. Time can create bitterness and resentment. Time can draw people deeper into sorrow and eventual self-wallowing. “Why us?” “Why would God allow this to happen?” “Kathryn didn’t deserve to die.” “We would be great parents.”
It is easy to get stuck asking questions you cannot answer. No amount of time will answer the unanswerable, and seeking answers will only cause greater suffering. Healing means you choose to accept you will never have all the answers and make a choice to have faith.
To heal, you have to do the hard work. It is messy and it is something that seems much easier to avoid. But avoiding the healing, means you will prolong it and inevitably make it worse.
20 years later, I am healed. I am whole and I have answers I never thought I would have. These aren’t things I can prove but they are true none the less. I had a life to live that Kathryn was not meant to live along with me. Her life was short, but it was more impactful than some lives that last 80 years.
I had things here on earth required of me. I never could have known it at the time, but I had a daughter on the other side of the world who needed me. Without Kathryn, I wouldn’t have fulfilled that purpose.
These are the lyrics to a song I chose to play at Kathryn’s funeral. I listen to this song from time to time; it gives me hope. Hope in healing and faith that it all makes sense.
Fly, fly little wing Fly beyond imagining The softest cloud, the whitest dove Upon the wind of heaven's love Past the planets and the stars Leave this lonely world of ours Escape the sorrow and the pain And fly again Fly, fly precious one Your endless journey has begun Take your gentle happiness Far too beautiful for this Cross over to the other shore There is peace forevermore But hold this mem'ry bittersweet Until we meet Fly, fly do not fear Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear Your heart is pure, your soul is free Be on your way, don't wait for me Above the universe you'll climb On beyond the hands of time The moon will rise, the sun will set But I won't forget Fly, fly little wing Fly where only angels sing Fly away, the time is right Go now, find the light
Time isn’t meant to wipe away pain. Time will lead us to all of the places we are meant to be, but only if we are willing to heal.
Time will not heal you. That part is up to you.
This brought tears & joy at the same time. Wow!❤️